Why Grieving a Divorce is Normal (Even if You Initiated It)
When a relationship ends, grief is expected - unless you're the one who ended it. Then, you're supposed to be fine, right? You’re the one who “wanted this,” after all. But that assumption is not only incorrect - it’s emotionally harmful.
Grieving a divorce is normal, valid, and necessary, regardless of who initiated it. At The Counselher, we work with many people - particularly women - who find themselves blindsided by the depth of grief that follows a breakup they thought they were prepared for.
If you're struggling with this invisible kind of grief, keep reading. You're not alone.
What Divorce Grief Really Looks Like
Divorce is more than the end of a relationship. It’s often:
The death of a shared future you once envisioned
A major identity shift (from 'wife' or 'partner' to 'single')
A rupture in your family structure
The loss of traditions, routines, or even mutual friends
The beginning of logistical and financial upheaval
A re-examination of who you are now, and what comes next
Even if you initiated the divorce, you’re not immune to these losses. In fact, you may experience them with added layers of guilt, isolation, or shame.
Why It Hurts (Even When You Knew It Was the Right Decision)
Leaving an unhappy, toxic or simply unfulfilling marriage can still cause grief. Here's why:
1. Grief and Relief Can Coexist
You can feel free and devastated at the same time. Liberation doesn’t cancel out loss. Relief doesn’t negate pain.
2. You Might Grieve the Person You Hoped They’d Become
Many people don’t mourn their ex as they were, but as they could have been. The version of the relationship they wished could’ve existed.
3. Society Doesn’t Give “Leavers” Permission to Grieve
When you're the one who left, people assume you're fine. That expectation can leave you feeling isolated or emotionally invalidated.
4. Divorce Activates Old Wounds
Abandonment issues, fear of failure, childhood attachment wounds - they can all resurface during a divorce.
5. It’s a Trauma for Your Nervous System
Whether or not there was conflict, divorce is disruptive and destabilising. It shakes the foundation of your emotional world - and your nervous system feels that deeply.
The Emotional Rollercoaster: What to Expect
There’s no “normal” sequence for post-divorce emotions, but common experiences include:
Guilt: “Did I try hard enough?”
Anger: At your ex, the world, or even yourself
Fear: About your future, finances, or co-parenting
Relief: Especially if the marriage was high-conflict or emotionally draining
Loneliness: Even when you’re surrounded by support
Self-doubt: “What if I made a mistake?”
You may cycle through these emotions on repeat - sometimes all in one day.
5 Ways to Honour Your Divorce Grief
You don’t have to pretend you're okay. You’re allowed to feel every part of this.
1. Name the Losses That Are Hard to Explain
Yes, the relationship ended. But what else did you lose?
The family holidays?
Shared pets?
A certain social status?
The dream of growing old together?
Acknowledging these “non-obvious” losses gives your grief the dignity it deserves.
2. Avoid the Urge to Rush Into “Fixing” It
Trying to bypass the pain by dating immediately, overworking, or bottling it up only delays healing. Give yourself space to feel what you feel.
3. Watch Out for Shame Narratives
You didn’t “fail.” Divorce isn’t a moral failing - it’s a course correction. Often, it’s the most courageous decision a person can make.
4. Be Selective With Whose Advice You Take
Everyone will have opinions - especially if you were the one who left. But only you know what you lived through. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
5. Work With a Therapist Who Gets It
Post-divorce grief is nuanced, messy and deeply human. A skilled counsellor can help you process complex emotions and rebuild your identity on your own terms.
You can explore support for this at our dedicated divorce & separation hub.
Finding Help for Divorce
Maybe you stayed too long. Maybe you left too soon. Maybe you’ll never know. What matters is: you’re here now. You made a decision that prioritised your long-term wellbeing, even if it broke your heart.
Healing from divorce isn’t linear, and it’s not about “getting over” someone. It’s about integrating the experience, understanding your needs, and rediscovering who you are without that relationship defining you.
You’re still whole. You’re still worthy. And you don’t need anyone’s permission to grieve.
If you feel like you could benefit from counselling, contact Sami or book a session using the button below.
