When You Miss What You Know Wasn’t Good for You
You knew the relationship wasn’t working. Maybe it was filled with tension, distance, or constant disappointment. Maybe it left you feeling small, unseen, or exhausted from trying to make it work.
So why — after all the pain, and even after choosing to leave — do you still miss them? Why do the good memories flood back while the bad ones fade into the background?
The Myth of the “Clean Break”
We often imagine separation as a single, decisive event — a clean cut between then and now. But in reality, it’s a process.
Even if you were the one who ended things, your emotional attachment doesn’t switch off overnight. You may have shared routines, inside jokes, years of memories. Those neural pathways are still active. They don’t vanish just because the relationship did.
Grief after separation isn’t only about losing a person. It’s also about losing a version of yourself — the one who believed in what the relationship could have been.
Why You Miss What Hurt You
It’s natural to miss what’s familiar, even if it wasn’t healthy. The brain associates consistency with safety, so when that pattern breaks, it registers as danger — even when the change is for the better.
There are a few common reasons people miss relationships that weren’t good for them:
Emotional bonding: Even in unhealthy dynamics, emotional bonds form. That attachment doesn’t disappear because you understand the relationship was harmful.
Intermittent reinforcement: In relationships with conflict or instability, moments of affection or peace feel amplified. They create powerful emotional memories that overshadow the pain.
Identity loss: You may have built part of your identity around being a partner, caregiver, or peacekeeper. Without that role, life can feel unanchored.
Hope and “what ifs”: It’s common to replay moments that could have gone differently, wondering if more patience, love, or effort might have changed the outcome.
These patterns are not signs of weakness — they’re signs of being human, trying to make sense of loss.
The Emotional Hangover
Even long after separation, the emotional effects can linger — like an “emotional hangover.” You might feel:
A sense of emptiness or longing
Sudden bursts of sadness or nostalgia
Doubt about your decision
A pull to check their social media or reach out
These are withdrawal symptoms from emotional dependency. Love and connection release chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin — the same ones linked to comfort and reward. When they’re gone, your brain searches for its old fix.
This doesn’t mean you want the relationship back. It means your body and mind are still recalibrating.
When Healing Feels Like Missing
Healing isn’t a straight line. You can feel relief and grief at the same time. You can know something wasn’t good for you, and still miss the comfort it once brought.
Try to notice these moments with compassion rather than judgment. Missing someone doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision — it means you’re processing the loss honestly.
It can help to remind yourself:
“I can miss what we had and still know it wasn’t healthy.”
“I’m allowed to feel sadness without rewriting the past.”
“I’m not weak for remembering the good moments — I’m human.”
Finding Help for Divorce & Separation
Missing someone who wasn’t good for you is not a failure of strength — it’s evidence of your capacity to love, even when love was complicated.
With the right support, you can learn to hold those memories without being held by them. You can honour what you lost while embracing what lies ahead.
If you feel like you could benefit from counselling, contact Sami or book a session using the button below.
