The Psychology of Romantic Obsession
Why we chase people who don’t want us.
A wise man named Eminem once said, “You want them when they don’t want you, soon as they do feelings change”. While this is just a lyric in one of his many infamous songs, the statement holds much truth.
Unreciprocated love can leave us riddled with intense longing beyond our control. We’ve either been there or know someone close to us who has. It’s almost as if something inside of us switches when we’re rejected. They may not have even been on your radar before, but now that they’ve made it clear they don’t want you, you can’t stop thinking about them.
If you’re struggling with chasing someone who doesn’t want you, or are curious as to why you’ve done this in the past - stick around. We’re going to talk all about the psychology of romantic obsession and how therapy can help you move far past it.
Theories Of Obsession
In nearly every other aspect of our lives, we’re able to tailor rejection to meet our growing needs. Let’s say you’ve wanted a pet monkey since you were a young child. As you grew up you realised this wasn’t on the cards for you - so you let that dream go. Instead, you opted for a golden retriever.
So, why is it when we’re rejected by a partner or potential partner, our brains work the opposite way? Instead of simply letting go and moving on, our desire for the other person only grows stronger until it becomes all we can think about. There are a few theories as to why we chase people who don’t want us:
Heartbreak
It makes sense: you’re madly in love one day, and the next your partner has cut themselves out of your life completely. This sudden shift is going to cause immense pain and suffering. This gaping hole left in our hearts can leave us longing for that person back - but really, we’re longing for the pain to stop. However, heartbreak can’t be the sole reason for rejection obsession since many people become infatuated with individuals they’ve never been romantically involved with.
Perceived Value
When we want someone we can’t have, their perceived value goes up. Our brains automatically think of them as “too expensive” for us, or that we aren’t “worthy” of such a priceless item. While these thoughts are by no means true, from an evolutionary standpoint it makes sense. Our early ancestors most likely desired to reproduce with the most valuable mate. Society has taught us from a young age we should value things more if they’re harder to obtain. Think of fancy diamonds, or lavish designer purses. Their value goes up the more unattainable they are.
Addiction
Love may be one of the strongest drugs of all. If you were in a relationship with someone that has recently left you abandoned, you may have become addicted to their texts, or spending time with them. Once that is suddenly taken away your mind and body can go through literal withdrawals from the other person, making the pain much more intense. These withdrawals can make life seem hopeless and leave you wishing you could go back to the days of bliss and harmony, even if it's with the person that has done you wrong. Still, however, this doesn’t explain why we become infatuated with those we’ve never dated or perhaps even met.
Imbalance in the Brain
Romantic rejection can actually stimulate an area of the brain associated with reward, motivation, and cravings. When this area is heightened it can intensify the “thrill of the chase” or make us feel as if we’re competing for a prize. Again, from an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense. Our early ancestors most likely had to win over the most valuable mate
The Psychology Behind Rejection Obsession
Love is a wild ride. When your feelings are reciprocated it can leave you living a euphoric high. When they’re not, it can cause you to behave in ways that betray your best interest or lead you down a path of self-destruction.
The more someone pulls away, the more you want them. Is there a psychological reason behind this? One aspect that may influence the way you take rejection is your attachment style.
Attachment Styles
The way you attach yourself to others starts very early in childhood. Stemming from the way your parents treated you, this either healthy or unhealthy bond follows you well into adulthood. Your attachment style will indicate how you behave and react in relationships, as well as how you handle rejection and heartbreak.
As you can see from the index, anxious attachment styles have the most difficult reaction to rejection. If you find yourself obsessing over an ex that abandoned you, or an individual who refuses to give you a chance - it’s likely you have an anxious attachment style (to some degree).
When anxious attachment styles feel rejected, their brains automatically flip a switch back to childhood. The early feelings of abandonment, dismissal or loneliness can send you into overdrive. Your brain may become obsessed thinking about this person, or what ways you can win them over. Think of it this way: it’s your brain's way of winning over your early caregivers. It’s “another chance” to earn the love you were never given in childhood.
Final Thoughts:
Rejection is a breeding ground for obsession. Whether you’ve found yourself hypnotised by a recent ex, fixated on someone who denies you the time of day, or you’re addicted to the thrill of the chase, wanting someone you can’t have can lead to irrational thoughts and behaviours. These can quickly spiral as your deep-rooted inner fears come to life.
So, next time you lie awake in bed with intrusive thoughts, remind yourself, “rejection is protection”. Anything that is meant to come your way, will. If not - it simply was not meant to be.
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